The way we talk

I have been reading a book on the differences in conversation between men and women.  It is an interesting read, written by a Professor of Linguistics.  It talks about how men talk to each other, where conversations often are negotiations in which they try to achieve and maintain the upper hand.  Women, on the other hand, tend to use conversations more as a way to seek and give confirmation and support.

The book is called “You Don’t Understand” by Deborah Tannen.  The author explains that many men engage the world as an individual in a hierarchical social order in which they are either one-up or one-down.  To women, however, life is a community, and they struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation.  The book gives many examples of the differences in women’s and men’s styles. Tannen also talks about why men seem to find it easier to talk in front of many people, and use talk to claim attention, where most women are more comfortable in more intimate type of conversations.

I see this a lot at work.  There’s always someone telling stories – they may be funny, or of the bragging sort, or just jokes – to the other men.  They tell these stories to get the other men’s attention.  I am more comfortable talking one-one with someone, as opposed to this “hey, everyone, listen to my story” type of exchange.

Having different talking styles can lead to different ways of interpreting what has been said.  I recently listened to a man in an artistic field, ask questions to a female artist about their work.  The female artist answered, disagreeing on a point he mentioned.  He asked her more questions, getting her to explain more of her view.  Afterward, I was surprised to hear the comments from the other women who were listening.  Apparently they thought he had been badgering her, and congratulated her for holding her own so well.  I found this odd, as I had seen the exchange rather differently.  I thought he was engaging her as an equal, and asking her tough questions because he considered her opinion to be valuable.

It is important that we understand each other in order to have a tolerant work atmosphere.  Women should not be afraid of conflict, but should learn to stand up and be heard.